So it was me all along? The one who watched us from afar As we stood in silence at the lonely station Waiting for the train to never come Never once exchanging a glance Whilst the evening breeze pondered the grasses We just stared listlessly at the rusted tracks All tangled with weeds, restless and green With an explosion of daisies bursting from the seams And we—a pair of dying fireflies—crying out in silence But I had already left the garden long ago Without an ounce of fanfare, I left you there With a crown of flowers resting atop your sleeping head So you can return to the world that once you fled Maybe you'll find a happiness along the way So long as you spare not another thought for me For I am neither here nor there, neither lost nor found I don't know where I lie, and it's not for you to wonder why

A filament bulb flickering on Dangling loosely from the pale sky Bathing the library in a clinical light Dim and white like a spirit passing by Rows of tomes draped in web from a time ago When the pace of life had slowed to a blissful crawl From the power of a blissful youth And the lack of needing for a meaningful feeling The thin pages turn in peace To reveal blank spaces underneath I had hoped to find some memories of mine But I've found they're becoming lost to time With a lack of new ones to take their place Leaving the mind to fall victim to whitespace Should I accept my fate as a hermit and recluse? Is it even a choice I can refuse? You can ask me how I feel And I'll likely say I'm doing fine Because even after all these years I've yet to learn how to speak my heart Perhaps the endless repetition of saying I'll do better The endlessly awaiting a change in the weather Or the countless attempts to rewrite this letter Only to open my eyes to sunlight once again All I hope is one day you'll catch me Though I've yet to learn who you really are All I know is I've long written to you As if you were someone somewhere tangible But I've yet to find any trace of you My own literary construct And you know I wouldn't let you read this at all— If you ever come into being at all.

Grains fall, as time falls And the sands are dragged along with my feet I can see it all, the sea calls A lack of presence and heat, a scene incomplete A song that's so sweet, a glass of wine and some meat In a world so small, I am lost to pall Alone in the cove for all time and a day Washed over by waves and the sand as I lay To watch the sky as nothing rolls by And nothing rolls by again In the end, I must pretend That solitude will one day reach an end But until then, with each word I have penned I'll write the same words again and again Again and again and again

Under twilight morn on a starlit shore In the garden of the bricked up house with no door On a solitary isle lost to the world of before With skies as hazy as when the kingdom fell And no humming of birds over the ocean's swell The heart lies incarcerated as a halted bell Roaring tides promise to swallow the memory whole To churn brick into dust and scatter the soul As ashes displaced by the heart's final toll For long has the solitary isle homed the heart That yearned for long to be torn apart By fire and by frenzy of abject solitude, for long before the boat was to depart

Leaned up against his pole, Charon sneered as he peered into the distance Gazing across the stagnant river, awaiting the sixth to seek passage A traveler from the Shore of Oblivion, the estranged lesser half She weakly crawled into the ferryman's unwavering vessel Attired in a flowing, white gown—frayed and torn at the seams Eager to rejoin her lover on the Isle of the Dead, yet sorrowful For the fleeted four on Oblivion's shore, unsung, as tears unshed Like those of whom dried and died in Lost Carcosa The ferryman shifts his weight and guides the vessel forth Unbroken by the wind of which that bothers the waters not To deliver the sixth and final drifter across the river Styx To the green pastures of the valley of the dead Where she'll be condemned to eternal solitude so a tapestry may mend

In the communion of bamboo, long past the death of the sun I looked up to the blackest of skies, only the moon in my eye A gentle hum of wind, swaying with the tide Like a blanket weighing down on me in the everlasting night I know you said you'd be gone for a while But it's been a thousand years since I've seen your smile The fires of the mountain's eye have turned ash by now But I still keep a vigil for you, waiting for your return Timeless as the stars hanging from threads of sparkling twine Like white paint dripping on the matte blue sky Of the rising sun looming a couple hours below the end of sea Bestowing the reaches of these forgotten lands with its glow blissfully Wearily and weak, I draw my knife through the bamboo Only to find nary a sign of gold, nor of you And to my busted knees I fell, ground down through eternity Tired of waiting for you to return to me * Poems from the moon, you sang to me About a life that's crippling and bleak A romance in the vacuum, far beyond the sea It's hopeless, yet it's meaningful to me Late at night, your face held to the sky Moonlight danced on the tears in your eyes In silence I sat, watching, wondering why Why must you depart tomorrow night? Daybreak comes, with strong winds it brung Low to the earth, where the clouds were hung In your arms, sleeping to the words you sung Until night falls, where to the moon you were strung

All thoughts fly with my feet firmly rooted Tall grasses encircling me as dark clouds spiral overhead Swirling into the endless abyss, the expanse of stars Growing more and more distant by the day Ripples of wind pierce my ears, bleating like the weeping organ Interrupted only by the light splashing of my footsteps in the waters Passing through fields of concrete pillars, all jutting out from the earth below One foot after the other, an endless and slow legato With no thought spared for the canvas of blisters Persephone's many fingers glance off my robe as I mindlessly wander through stagnation Until this cycle ends, and another begins anew

Thirteen moons passed. As the moonlight dances atop the peaks and valleys of the ocean, The wind guides the boat along the void, Waters devoid of land and life for eighteen moons past, Fifteen men row through the night as fifteen more rest down below, Guided by the late-sleeping utopian— Custodian of sextant and charter, Sole proprietor of rhyme and reason. “Carry us, o' navigator. Carry us through the rift of Okeanos.” Fourteen moons passed. The tides grew weary and reckless, Winds ripping through the mast and into the night, As frantic deckhands fight to tame the twine serpents in the dark, Hoisting the sails to run the winds into calmer seas. A duo of deckhands—young and hardy, Promptly cast into the whirling infinite, Devoured by Okeanos at the behest of the rampant Anemoi. “Carry us, o' navigator. Carry us to the Isle of Circe.” Seventeen moons passed. Seventeen souls snuffed out in the wicked storm's wrath. Under the gaze of Thanatos, trust in o' navigator fades, As the hammocks empty out in spades. “Hark, o' wretched navigator!” The boatmen sing, In a wailing symphony with the vicious wind— “We tire of thy reckless ways, thy cursed course! To what end does thou cast our lives aside?” But their cries went unanswered, and all but one never bore witness to the seventeenth sun. Thirty moons passed. Or so o' navigator perceived— Custodian of the countless curses of men a-many, Sorrows drowned in the great river encircling the world. But at last, here he stood: Washed up on the shore of the isle he so desperately sought. The Isle of Circe, land of myth long forgotten, Written only in legend and observed by none before, As this land stood alone in the realm beyond the end of the world. O' navigator traversed the serene isle, weary and broken; Weathered down by the waves and toll of a life spent hunting, To place hisself firmly beyond the reach of those that bore him, All to stand on his own two feet in the wake of the unknown. At the centre of the isle stood Circe, draped in black. Arms held wide, head cocked to the spiralling clouds. Unmoving, as the gentle breeze bent the tall grasses at her feet. Nary a bird chirping, as o' navigator drew near. To his knees he fell before her, eyes welling up in tears, At this beauty held before him, unlike any he held dear, The moment he toiled his whole life for, whatever the cost, O' navigator called out, but the echo returns empty. “To what end have thou come? For what reason does the dreamer awaken? Thou who hath forsaken the lives of many, For the sake of being released from thy madness?” Spoke Circe, whose voice would bite the back of the cold wind— “There is no liberation. There is no ending. These are the cycles thou bore, Through thousands of moons of greed and torment. These are the cycles thou shall be cursed with for forever more.” O' navigator ducked his head, bewildered by what was said. As his gaze rose once more, Circe had departed. Behind where she stood lay a round stone tablet, embedded in the ground. Cracks ran along the surface, hinting to a light underneath. Engraved in stone in a language unknown, spoke: “Shatter the seal and repeat the cycle anew, Or wither away in the guilt that thou knew.”

A distinct lacking of meaning As poem turns into prose And night turns into day Over and over again, never stopping Not even for the briefest moment But you know that, I know that Words for the sake of words Writing to satisfy the desire to write While having nothing to write about Save for this distinct lacking of meaning It all flows so easily A needle dancing in the grooves of a well worn record It's the same record I've been playing for five years The runoff cuts spirals into the label these days The paint has dried on the cracked tarmac Blistered from a summer of flames But the jump was never made So the blind hunter wields her quill once more And returns to writing everything and nothing It's no masterwork, it's no drip painting But Pollock could only invent fire so many times

The analogue signal collapses As the space between the walls and the floor pulses Breathing in an unnatural rhythm Atmospheres of pressure building The air grows so dense you feel it could crush you in its hand Passing through steel plated corridors All lathered in gunmetal grey in thick, uniform coats There's no telling right from left, up from down It all blends together after the third time around What are you searching for? Is it a memory you thought belonged to you? Despite it contradicting the faces you thought you knew? Oh what are you searching for? Is it a love you've seen in ink on a page? Printed on a substrate from a different age? What are you searching for, truly? Because you've been down this road seventeen times before And you know that nothing will change, no matter how many times you fall

Do you see what I can see? Standing over the kitchen window Gaze locked tight to the hole outside A blackened heart lying stagnant in the void The absence swallows up the valley A million lights put out by the cold With nothing in the air but silence The pain in my chest is quickly dragged away By the cold, dead touch of my hand Still as the crippled wind Ash crumbling from the cigarette on my lips Dancing embers on the paper locked in time Vision blurring, realisation striking the anvil The sinking vessel in my heart, in my heart Caving in my chest, swallowing my arm The feeling of reality dematerialising Or the oppressive absence of feeling, at that A nothingness so overwhelming The apparition takes shape in the middle of the night And I lie still as the crippled wind on the cold, hard ground

I've been thinking of ending things. To present myself willingly to the burning asphalt, Arms spread wide in an open embrace. To project body into chalk and soul into wine, After an anything but majestic fall from grace. The blinded hunter spills acrylic on the tarmac, And proceeds to wrap himself around the telephone pole in the car. "It just is," whispered she, as the last drop of ink bled from the shaking pen, An unfinished prose, Disjointed, chaotic, untitled. In the motion of everything and nothing, It's just another day in dear old England.

I am sat down on the grass in a trio of birches Three points of a triangle in an open field The sun's out for once, the air is quite pleasant And the wind drifts through, flapping against my coat Here I sit, aimless and unbothered Like a leaf in the drift, space dust in orbit Anticipating, eagerly, the oncoming failure The culmination of four long years of my life Eroding away like the cliffs of Dover Until the ground gives way and the ocean swallows another chunk of land That's where I stand Not crying, not screaming, not breathing, not dreaming Idle as one can be Existing on a garden chair as the storm rolls through It all went so wrong so fast, and the fact of the matter is I don't even care Your encouragement feels so hollow, so scripted The words you've repeated several times over leave me detached and alienated It's no wonder I yearn for release Just because I laugh it off, you think I don't know it But I know more than anyone else that I have fucked up, don't make me show it And I know more than you that I'd rather suffer less now and struggle more later Than grind myself down into a bloody pulp, wishing for a bridge to throw myself off Because what good is a life spent sanding my fingers down to the bone for a couple grand? Your vision of success is decrepit and dated, chasing a dragon you never even saw in the first place A vision so far reached that even in your 50 years you could never reach it A vision that I know was never there to begin with That's the misery of it there Therefore release me now, before troubling yourself further

It has been a while, the power is out The water runs cold and the gas is cut off I've stayed for some time, but now I must go Back to the place I never wanted to go Scattered clouds forbid, the sun spills on the floor As dust settles down in the deep orange light A lattice of silk drapes down from every wall The spiders will take my place in due time Everyone else had left weeks ago The peace has been nice, though crushing at times As one realises that we must all leave Onto better lands and into distant dreams Yet here I stand, alone at the tenancy's end Clutching tight in my hand the thought I just lost I've let time go, just like I let you go And in hoping for life, I've abandoned my love We cannot stand in the same room anymore Before you ask, I've unlocked the front door Take your time, I won't be taking mine I've nothing to wait for but the train back to mine At dusk we disperse like leaves in the wind And by the winter you won't see me again Say what you mean and do make it count Once the circle's closed, I think I'll be taking my leave

Another year, another passing glance The clock ticks on but for now I'll refuse to advance Time is for the dying and my time has a ways to go And now more than ever I am aimless, oh I know But the jungle pounds the walls and thoughts get drowned in glass Levitating on the lines until we're face down in the grass Absorbed in the earth, totally off it Wrapped around the telephone pole, no cause to drop it "The key to life is a key to the nose" Until reality collapses and drags down where you froze An endless abyss, quivering and bleak Or so it would be if it wasn't the third time this week Drag myself back to life, I've another year yet And another after that, should I win the bet Woke up with the sun beaming in my eyes Let's get a takeaway, I'm feeling a curry to no surprise

Down the winding paths through the blinding trees Endless spruces pass us by, embers thick amidst the air We walked for weeks and months, aimless and ever present Ever silent bar our boots compacting the autumnal leaves Through several thousand years of rising and falling Riding the flame and carried by wind, you come calling Like a whisper crawling to my ear, down my neck, down my spine It shakes me to the bones, it shakes me to the bones Follow the winding path, knowing not where it leads An emptiness that lies ahead, like the one I feel for thee I cannot know what you call to me, for your voice is lost to wind Only that with cold breath on my skin, you're still calling To lead on into the night is the one wish I have left to ask With your departure a gift, or your presence a curse But this is lingering, fleeting in this crossroad where we stand A passage to nowhere, toll road to the end

It's a yearning, an aching An apparition crawling back into my skin The return of a once again forgotten feeling A desire to hide inside another's arms To be surrounded in their scent as they hold me tight Even if the one I love loves the one I loved To have them whisper sweet nothings into my ear Empty words that I'll hold dear Til the day I break and vanish and start anew With a body that is different yet still mine Or so I am deluded enough to believe It's all I can bring myself to ask Though more than I can even dream of receiving For I've naught to give in return but shallow words written on a phone screen And though it feels like the world is always ending Like the sky is always falling It's just the heart talking, lovesick beating Any significance in this feeling will be lost in a week or two from now

Four candles stand on the coffee table Wax dripping down the stem against a bleeding sky Clouds cracked and split, a fresh wound in the air Sending a gust of wind raging through the ruins A vortex ripping through us, turbulent in spirit Like a star, your flame collapses on itself An ember stubbed out like a cig end on the pavement Your candle hadn't even reached the basin before the wick mushroomed Spraying carbon into the atmosphere as you breathe your last The storm nearly spelled your last But we still lost two The room is darker than it was before Colder in the absence And I am out of matches So there is naught I can do but watch

Manchester boy turned Brighton girl Or so I tell myself when I see my face in the mirror Clawing at the skin on my cheeks as the acid hits Peeling myself away from the starkness of reality Suddenly my identity becomes secondary as I roll around in bed Hugging my pillow and drowning in the drum loops of Boards of Canada It's all tranquil as the universe finally comes into reach Orion's belt in the very palm of my hands With the warmth of its stars burning into my skin Painting a map of astronomy on my body It's all well and good Until I run into a friend of the family who I haven't seen in two years With my mind lost in the cosmos as he tries to ask how I've been Thank fuck I'm leaving home once more in a matter of days.

Enclosed in an isolated bubble of thought Blood dripping with alcohol and hair laced with tobacco The absolute silence of the mind broken up by a man wretching his guts out in the next stall over A cocktail of vomit and piss smell filling the air, repellent for the flies on the windscreen And I sit here, counting the rings in the wood grain on the door Losing count as the hiccups hit Counting the years I've been watching you grow into a beautiful eucalyptus tree But as the sun sets fire to flames, you burn to the ground With these scrawlings on the inside of the bathroom stall door on the second floor of Spoons becoming your obituary "Nobody loves me," "I love you," "I hate you," "God loves you," "God is a wasteman."

I was walking down the canal late at night Long after the sun had set, the waxing crescent hung low The water was still and the air was dead In my blissful ignorance, I couldn't perceive you A guardian angel, troubled but kind Psychotic with your will to save the drowning And in your psychosis, none of us could comprehend your message For one evening you'd be fine, and in the next you'd be a sprawling mass on the bathroom floor So when it came time for you to slip into the abyss I was out of range of your screams Only notified by the distant echoes through the unmoving trees When I finally came to, the water was still, and the air was dead And everything was silent, Utter fucking silent.

Remember how I loved you, Remember how I took your hand, Remember how I held you, Remember how I gazed into your eyes. The stars of your eyes flicker, Adrift in the ocean of your iris, Sinking into your dark chasms, Swallowed in the depths of the blue. And though I hold you aloft, You are ever not my god, Nor lord or my saviour, Or my Northern Star. For your flame is but a flower, An ember that is fading with mine, Not omnipresent, not benevolent, An idol of Ur, And one day you will not remember how I loved you still.

I hold you aloft, you are the figure in my heart The chains, the shackles, the binds that we tied With ropeburn on my wrists, I struggle to break free of the bedposts The lamp goes out yet I can still see my face in the mirror I thrash and I turn, I cock my head away from the burning bush And you called to me You called to me Through the words of Him you called to me And with your words I spread your wisdom and your influence Unbeknownst to me that they are not my own

I stand there naked in your shadow in the darkened room Your face as clear as day in the mirror As dust circulates around the air, clumps filling up in my throat And the mycelium bears fruit beneath the broken floorboards You stand unmoving, unwavering, unrelenting A force so stagnant, an ember that does not flicker It is not for me to want you gone, for your face is the burden I must bear Bare naked and resisting the urge to wretch And with a deep, painful breath I turn around To blow out the candle whose light couldn't bear its teeth.

You were the one that time forgot, In this hideous visage of a land that rejects you and I for who we are. A vista of misgivings and repeated mistakes, How do we stand brave against those who despise us? With the wind howling and the song repeating, Beating us down into the grave they made for us. Though I thought I knew better, Than to live life with your face in my mirror, and your skin clinging to my shoulders. Though I could've had it worse, For I could hate you as a person, but I don't. For your eyes are my own, And my voice echoes the same words as yours. You see the world from my shoes, And I feel the world from your fingers, with the passage of time dragging you with me. So come down, come on down and listen, Hear your voice ring through the air and sing into the rising sun of the Wednesday. Come down and find me in our bed and rest.

Bathed in the orange glow of the decaying street light She's slumped over, foam dripping down her chin The cars are absent and nobody is passing by Limbo and inexistent, absent in spirit Present only in being and serving no greater purpose No god put her on this earth, no god put her in this place She found her own place, like the sleeping bodies in Shibuya Alcohol infused dreams of smiling faces Running out in nature, blissful and careless And not surrounded by neon lights in a concrete jungle Childish longing for a childhood long gone She'll wake up in a matter of hours and feel the aching pit in her stomach Lucky it's a quiet neighborhood, nobody disturbs the slumbering drunks around here But she can't quite remember which house she lived in.

The light in your eyes wavers like the fluttering drone of the tape loop And I surround myself in cold things to warm up with the heat of my body Pillows, duvets, your aching heart It never feels right to ask you what's wrong, You've always shrugged me off and saved face And though your heart is beating and your body is moving And your lungs are pumping oxygen into your system Your blood feels cold and still, and your eyes see things that I cannot The ring light lost in the black void of your dilated pupils without reflection Without introspection Without digging deep inside and facing your fears, Or at least holding my hand and letting me face them with you But it's all just passing thoughts 5 seconds gone by and I am staring into your eyes Do you have a lighter? I've misplaced mine and this burn ain't gonna light itself.

The hands on the clock face float on by Time without substance, meaning or purpose Eyes wide open at the ungodly hours of the morn With the street light through the blinds on her lips No sound of cars, no drunks trudging by The sky is clear and it hasn't rained in days No messenger, no saviour, no discord, no failure Brighton is never this stagnant. Pre-trip nausea, she goes downstairs Her roommate is rolling on the kitchen counter Lemon haze bound in Asiatic cotton mallow Quality stuff, he says while misgendering her before licking the cellophane Though not with intent for she's still hiding in her skin No wonder the kitchen smells of citric piss The city is immobile, lifeless and docile Less bite than a kid with a broken jaw She puts on her coat and stands on the deck Eyes drawn to the grid of red lights looming over the ocean Lights up a Sterling and despises the peppermint Spoiling the taste of her 4am coffee. Time dilation, this pocket of being Timescale differs by an order of magnitude Ensnaring the house that's half empty yet over capacity Like five monkeys caged in a cell fit for two Buried in a mountain of introspection She's in the deep end of the search for existence The lust for meaning and a lust for freedom She's done it all before, walked the same walk and cried the same night Trapped, a prisoner of her cycles, lost in Samsara Endlessly repeating the same tired feelings Endlessly repeating the same weary emotions Endless, breathing Endless. Brighton fades into nothingness. All end, floating and meaningless. Absence of space, absence of being. Tightly folded excuses to mean something when you can just sit back and exist. Feel nothing and everything, arms free and drifting. The lights speed past her head. Vibrant pinks, neon blues, lime greens, iridescent yellows—that was the come up. She sits back on the deck and lingers, she simply exists. The disconnect from call + form. Devoid of all place and purpose. Liberation, isolation, there is no conquest for space. Determination vanishes, urgency dissipates, an amoeba operating in a vacuum. No fear of tomorrow and no resent for yesterday, today isn't a concept. The deadlines cease to exist and thoughts become air. Liminal spaces, absence of want and need, is this what peace feels like? Nothing here makes sense, and that's alright. It's not that deep still. Because she couldn't be dealing with that, not tonight.

When you're lost out to sea Drifting on a vessel for 22 years When the sun has long burnt out And only the distant stars remain When the shadow shifts beneath your feet Is your sacrifice in vain? Was your time really nigh? What ended when you shattered? When I called out, you saw it too A hand reaching out from the waves Grasping at your ankles with those icy tendrils Tearing through the starboard and dragging you overboard I was turned away for the briefest moment But long enough to miss your demise While you were in death throes Death threw you underneath And though I stand and take stock of the damage The ship sails rough, but still she sails With the absence of a kind soul striking harder than Thor's hammer Your voice continues to echo in the ambience A ghost, dancing on the deck that we cannot see Yet we ever know it is present For the winds cease when you make your utterance And you push the clouds aside to bring about a new day In time, the storm subsides Sun pierced the skies Shackled by the end you shall remain As mine, I'll mourn a while I'll watch the sea And raise your sail up high For now, it's a beautiful day Free of the rain One I wish you were here to see

We are a pair of stars, floating in the endless, breathing void Vibrant and sparse streaks of purple and blue ascending upwards, upwards and upwards Until they curve around at the peak and begin their descent into the convergence like a rollercoaster Only to come back around once again for the great ascent Each streak of strobing light is a spiralling tunnel, shifting in constant motion in a loop Each of the infinite tunnels is a living, breathing entity conforming to the passage of time And here we are, two singular points on an infinite line Climbing upwards into our downfall with no going back Even if we cease to move, even if we opt to fight, the ocean pulls us up by the collars of our shirts But that does not mean we cannot stick together. That we cannot be pulled apart. If we link arms, we can fight the lateral flow and remain a constant together. But should we let go, only time will tell if we will ever cross each other's paths again.

Wrapped up tight on a rainy morning Birds chirping through the open window, tears on the pane With a Nick Cave solo set playing on the stereo The street lamp cuts through the blinds I am perhaps a fool for falling in love In the darkness of my eyelids I can see your face In the silence of my room I can hear your voice In the emptiness of my bed I can feel your embrace Your breath on my neck, hands on my back Tooth and nail digging into the skin lightly, lovingly Oh, it may be foolish to dream But as was said by the baritone voice across the room "There's nothing wrong with loving something you cannot hold in your hand."

It was a swirling voice Dancing through the air from the earth Getting lost and tossed aside in the noise Fragments of a song that yearned to be heard Like gravel scattered by the waves without any choice Or the desperate and deprived chirping of a bird In the middle of the winter Sun piercing through the night sky The duvet is burning, ablaze like the northern star, I begin to sinter Eyes locked wide in a pool of sweat, wondering why Night after night, oh the sleepless night, time refuses to crack and splinter And the wind howls, running its claws down the window pane, beckoning me to approach I throw wide the window and gaze into the street light Jesus flickers before me, arms out and offering In one hand a rope, soaring high through the clouds to the heavens And in the other is a key to a lock that is unknown to me My eyes trace the rope up to the sky, the escape would be quick and painless But instead I take the key that opens neither here nor there.

We drove on down to the eastern coast To gaze into the dying star as it descends past the horizon The light shimmered across the surface of the water and struck your eyes violently You carried a look as if you'd just seen a ghost Clouds burning a vivid orange, the air was thick with smoke Wind dashing a lifetime of dreams and casting them into the abyss Darling, you took my hand and I began to wonder What lies after the light, after the curtain? Like fireflies trapped in a little boy's hand Encased in an endless darkness that stands above Sacramento A whirling infinite where naught begins and naught ends I am here, and you are there Flickering in gentle flight, rising and falling Coursing through the ascension of the wavering pipe organ Space is the place, the calm and the storm After the curtain it all continues to be A holy sea of worlds and stars, but all too distant to matter For I have you, and you have me And I am here, and you are where you are

As I gaze into the bronze mirror I fiddle with my hair "You've got a look going for you, you know." They tell me On the outside, maybe. It's colder inside the house than it is outside. From my perspective I'm but a reflection Skipping online classes and recording guitar covers to send to my ex-girlfriend Who I've since made peace with. Standing on the deck in the back, puffing back a dart. We played poker when you were thirteen in secondary You never were a popular kid I don't recall you having many friends But I remember you name and I remember your face, Rashid. I was maybe fifteen, abandoned all the lads in my year Never got along with them. Sat in the teacher's office at lunch, shuffling a deck of cards I barely even knew how to play. You went home that evening and died of a heart attack. Two days later, Mrs. Haggerty went home died of cancer. A few weeks later, Hoshiwara went home to Japan and died in a car crash. You're all gone yet I'm still here. I'm still standing in the mirror A Manchester boy putting on an act in a different city on the southern coast You'd probably say that I've done good, doing the things I want to do But you're all exactly where I want to be. I will never be the boy my boyfriend wants me to be, And I will never be the girl my reflection wants me to be. I will never settle down and find my peace for as long as I breathe, And I will constantly make excuses for why I can't leave myself be. In two years I'll be littering the bus stop with empty cans of Stella Destroying one pack of Romeo y Julieta after another until my lungs collapse I will always stand in the shadow of my inspirations. I am not who you suppose, but far different, therefore release me now before troubling yourself further.

in time you always come to mind from this sprawling wasteland of drifting, sinking feelings of mine time and time again as the clouds fall in line the same two chords playing over and over for all of time you're fresh in my memory, soul almost touching there's always something to bring me feeling yet the year has provided little to keep me meaning, but you i can't tell if this is something fleeting i often find myself staring at the trees outside the window standing in the breeze, gazing into the sky like a grieving widow i might've projected myself into the place of those trees a year ago from now but with these same two looping chords, i think i'm fine where i am under writings titled "empty house", "this life", "relentless" and "calamity" words chained together in some effort to describe the nothingness i feel the relentless desire for calamity to challenge my foundations or sappy post-love stories unveiling an entire emotional journey that wasn't made to last ultimately amounting to such an insignificant portion of my anticipated life expectancy yet somehow holding more meaning and attachment than all of my school years i used to pretend that i'd never feel that way again but even at the time of writing "love is the means to an end" the feeling remained tucked away and buried in a seemingly endless pile of upset, hurt and frustrations but there was always something there "it's happened once, it'll happen again" a mantra that i've spent months weaving into my tapestry the manifesto of a foolish kid not even a quarter into her life who thinks they've seen it all trying to draw philosophy from the repetition found in nature's obscure patterns and all the failings of human history that seem to keep on happening like the covid-19 crisis that seems to still be unveiling itself rearing its ugly head repeatedly in the countries that, on paper, should have it all together only to have it worse than everyone else due to the failings of education there's always something that goes wrong love is a feeling that always has been and always will be a complicated weaving of emotions that can fall apart at a moment's notice a disease that might not actually be that bad to have from time to time even if the one you love happens to be a continent away with little to no chance of actually meeting and holding hands one of the things you start to realise about this world of interconnectivity is that your favourite people end up living two planets away the most perfect of couples, held apart by an entire galaxy two stars might just be bright enough to keep loving but others may collapse under the constant pressure of long distance communication falling into a supercritical state until one explodes and becomes a supernova spawning nebulas of broken feelings fleeting dreams and tears his words may ring true to your weary ears her voice might bring comfort to your distraught heart but they can't hug you when you're on the brink of disintegration there's always something that brings out tears and there's no end the sun continues to rise relentlessly unforgiving of the art-insomniac in me there's always something on my mind to keep me from sleeping at night there's always something on my mind that i need to write down there's always something on my mind that i need to tell someone there's always something else to write an entire stanza about there's always someone on my mind and it's you

Stood outside of Nisa on June, the 8th Lighting a cigar and playing a song in my head Finding significance in the littlest things Like the number eight, and how it appears in all of my dates Have I gone too far? Have I strayed from whom you admire? I don't hear you complaining But I cannot read your mind Maybe I should ask? For the second time. How I'd watch over the lake in the middle of day Only thinking about the choices I've made Today you took my hand, but I'm still not sure if I'm okay Some days I stand in clouded weather Waiting for rain or shine to throw the spanner Or cease the worry and linger on your feeling Have I gone too far? Have I forced your hand? Maybe I should ask? For the first time.

you're standing in a dark, forgotten hallway gazing at the doorway out of the house you've just left behind the street lights in the sky bleed through the window from the blackened night whisperings of the looping tape machine in the next room loom through the air to think you once had a moment of glory here a brief feeling of power as you're caged in these four walls that reject you but that briefest feeling was overtaken by the imminent dread, the terror from the deep the haunting, clawing up your back, your neck, your face, gouging out your eyes daunting, you've left it all behind and now you're cast into the streets a stray cat whose owner has long died to the unending battle against rising rent a wandering dog whimpering through the harrowed night without a bite to eat the wind chimes ring through your ears, piercing your eardrums there's no end in sight you've taken a scalpel to your suffering and you have surgically removed all that torment you but now you're feeling empty and overwhelmed a new clarity, sensory overload, she calls out to you pure unrelenting psychosis who is she? she isn't here you are standing in an empty house and inside there is no one whisperings of the looping tape machine in the next room loom through the air the street lights in the sky bleed

this life, this place in all its listlessness these four walls closing in a concrete chamber some days i wish to be thoughtless instead of being taut with thoughts of you in this burning world, this burning life watching the light on the turntable like a flickering flame look right into the fire mirroring a dream i once had

the chimes are out the wind does not speak my name please, call to me please open the door i've been knocking for days just hear me out please, just hear me out what good is a feeling if you cannot share? there's no one to take this torch from me the absence is blistering in a room full of lost souls flickering stars, waiting to fade no one is willing to hear me out please, just hear me out the fires die down and cease their descent the sea grows calm, the thunderclouds break up the stars have burned out the light has burned out this night billowing emptiness will you hear me out? please, just hear me out

sitting, drifting, shifting, missing clock ticks on but time's stood still clouds roll by but the sun never rises the cigarette burns my lips while i await an answer pick up the phone already so i can go back to sleep when i wake up, i want to go about life with new resolve to be free of the cage of the house to be free of the prison of the soul maybe it's not so bad to be the odd one out at times maybe it's time i released who i want to be to the world to sing your lullaby with the gentle voice of an angel and feel your fingers running through my hair one day you'll finally tell me you love me i know you want to say it, you're just shy and uncertain but when that day comes, i'll be ready to be your girl

forlorn generator hum cloud cycles over the glass opaque the pane there is no passage of light drawing lines between body and mind cutting open lampshades looking for a guide in the light splitting the obtuse pages of metaphysics is there really a meaning beyond the surface? or should i only concern myself with the simplest staring at the wall never did get me far the band simply plays on, no matter how absent i am a pounding kick drum driving life onward enforcing order on the endless, relentless cacophony of noise maybe one day i'll realise that abstraction doesn't generate meaning there is no search for what's natural, programmer digging through the archives of memories past, present and future rewriting my cipher to tell the story i want told why are the curtains blue? what emotion does that reflect? even with a concrete plan, the writing's in disarray there's only so much you can do when you're searching without knowing what you're searching for

when i reach the summit of the hill i gaze up to the stars the sound of wind has overtaken the engines of below and the glow of the city finally takes a bow from here it looks like venus is right above my house with capella in auriga's arms, resting further up and gemini holding hands and dancing in the dark these foxes encircle me like i'm their prey the badger growls at them looking for a fight while the whole world is burning down around me, i have found peace in calamity after spending years of my life wishing for the end a reason to think an apocalypse is just over the horizon the calamity strikes during the midst of the worst months of my life a vega stranded in the sky without her altair and now i've overcome my suffering as my friends begin theirs frustrated from the uncertainty of what the year has brought disaster after disaster, discourse felt across the world but i still i think i'm satisfied with where i'm at in life peace in calamity

aimless days the sky hasn't been hazey in days locked in the house for days days spent staring at the flickering screens emotional transmissions from your keyboard to my soul a flicker of light a brief glimpse of humanity a reminder of the life that exists in this locked down world that notification bleep guides me like the star of bethlehem to my sanity another series of words inscribed on the obsidian pane reads to me like a calling, a summoning writing over the tabula rasa with the words of the lover beckoning me to cross the jordan despite the odds stacked against me from texas to jerusalem to lead the children of israel to the promised land or from brighton to ohio so i can be in your arms at last

a lamp flickering in an empty room moths fluttering in the halogen paying no heed to the markings on the floorboards or the cracked and torn paint on the walls here in this vacant house where they once lived before they migrated like locusts and left us behind the ghosts dreamt up by this lonely lonely home to spend the rest of their days waking to the moon and sleeping to the sun living for them the nights that won't happen while the weeds take root in the garden out back reclaiming the world that was taken from them

there is a stone in this meadow with my name on it mossy and damp from a recent downpour i haven't been here for very long stagnant and tranquil, i watch the grass catch the wind the seeds of the dandelion drifting by silently everything is moving but nothing changes time has not stopped for a long, long time through this lens of rock i see a world that awaits me but i have no desire to exit my cage i am rather fine in here it's lonely sometimes but as long as nothing continues to happen nothing will change, and i can take my time one day i might emerge one day i'll find you and take you into my arms to sing and dance with you while the clock ticks on and the bell chimes on the hour and the dandelion looses its seeds and dies waving us by in the garden where i found you

through the vale of wind and snow in a valley of the souls cast below the gentle chime of suspended ice draws me deeper into the white a pagan sent on their way, stripped of name to travel endlessly in this banished land separated from the real world on the other side but is it really a cursed existence to roam this limbo? an existence free of the torment of mortal life a lifetime to explore the endless bounds of the unknown the total absence of love and hate life and death all concepts left behind in the other world and the remnants of the fallen civilisations scattered in the snow left for me to explore until time's end

prayer for the unforgiving divine erase the imagery from this mind of mine rumoured to expire through the passage of time but at what point does the time cross the line in what moment does the memory bleed from the vine the arbitrary timeframe continues to torture me fine the clock turns south and the bells chime wiping away sleep from the sleepy eyes arising to the angst that carried with time tears engulf the visionary, the dreamer, the names, faces and bodies, all seemed as real as mine were merely mirages formed in the mirrors behind

twirling on the starlit fjord ice forming beneath your feet kicking powdery snow into the air glistening in the freedom of the night oh, stardancer, oh, icedancer relishing in your newfound opportunities being your true self amongst the stars shining in the night brighter than sirius everything you've done has led up until now oh, stardancer, oh, icedancer it will be cold tonight dance til your legs give out warm the air with your heart you're the stardancer you're the icedancer

transcending your arms and fleeing into the starry sky escaping your grasp and flying into the brightest light taking shelter in the rays of the third king only for my heart to be thrown back into the fling where did alnitak and alnilam go? i swear they were here a moment ago but in a flash, they've gone far below and left me to fight these spirits alone as cat's eyes gaze upon me from above panicked and delusional, i charge into the fray and find myself with an arrow embedded in my chest dragged on down, into the depths of the sea, of the stars intertwined, with the fish and the sharks, and killer whales the sonar can't find me from here i feel my chest collapsing as those bones rend me again encased within this bloody mist circling, they're circling preying on me as i drown was the first time not enough? can't this beacon find her luck?

you came around to me with an ugly, hideous look in your eye like the world had been lying to you for your entire life engulfed by a fear of tomorrow your eyes welled up with tears and your knees came crashing to the cold, hard ground "i don't want to lose anything" you said "i don't want to lose anyone anymore" caught up in a string of coincidences surrounding you the panic built up and overcame you i said "lay down your weary head and wipe your teary eyes your world won't crumble around you tomorrow morning though i cannot promise it'll never come crashing down it's pointless to let the thought drive you off the deep end" my words are shallow for i know that life is morbid and unfair a fruitless attempt to bring you the comfort i've been seeking i've experienced the deposit of faith and the loss of hope first hand now i find myself excavating mortality in search of beauty to share i used to think i had conquered the mountain i used to think i had found life's meaning but with one wrong step and an unexpected gust of wind i plummeted down into the freezing depths of the ocean i understand you don't want to experience the same tumble but getting yourself worked up by the losses of your friends and thinking god has cursed you to bring misfortune to us is a surefire way to get locked into a self-fulfilling prophesy of torment so enjoy what you have while it is yours enjoy the pleasures that i cannot i will be waiting for you at the end of time hoping the both of you make it here alive

around two years and a month ago, october 2017 i had returned to a place i thought i'd left forever hopeless, lost and alone i had no place in the world seven months prior my best friend said his farewells i was still counting the days distraught, i had began putting my feelings into words masking myself, cowering behind the facade of imagery plunging my ears into a sea of noise discovering haunting beauty and solace in distortion upon my turn you reached out to me you took me by the hand and greeted me seemingly eager to get to know me cold as ice initially, i was reluctant i desired to remain in the comfort of depression i had experienced enough change in my life i didn't want it to change anymore but you continued to poke and prod me you continued to ask about me you continued to give me attention that i hadn't gotten in months and i started to warm up to you i started to get used to you i started to even like you as a friend by february i had stopped counting the days i didn't feel alone anymore we talked each day for hours unending time had seemingly frozen for us only thawing when you said goodnight every night it was then when i fell for you i struggled to sleep for days tossing and turning and wincing i didn't know what i was feeling i turned to a friend to ask for help and immediately they could tell it was you she tried to comfort me, and somehow, to my dismay it got out of hand we slept together a few times but i still knew i loved you but now i had feelings for her and i knew she felt the same for me i decided i had to confess to you tell you about how i felt i wanted to cast these feelings aside and keep on being just friends i told you i loved you you said to me "i don't mind" i didn't know what to think i didn't know how to respond so i told you that i also liked someone else and you said it made you a bit sad but i didn't mind as deep down i knew love is the means to an end i spent the next month getting closer to her it seemed like you'd forgotten everything i said i didn't mind but my heart still wasn't free and i was still caught up on what you'd said it wasn't denial and it wasn't acceptance and you never did clarify i just wanted to forget and carry on so i kept trying to forget and for a short while, it worked she and i were still figuring out if it'd work out but i took comfort in knowing i'd remain friends with you and that's when you struck me you had referred to me as your lover i'd hoped you'd have forgotten but you were just keeping it quiet and you started to get closer to me you forced me to make the choice i hoped i'd never have to make ultimately i chose you i shattered her heart so i could have yours and i hated myself for it so i tried to convince myself it was worth it love is the means to an end july 2018 you were staying with your mum's family in russia sending me pictures of omsk we were so freshly in love then i had forgotten all of my troubles in life sinking into you, surrounded in your warmth even though you were always a timezone out of reach i wasn't alone in the world anymore i had you to look forward to every morning you were my vega, and i was your altair in october i sank into depression again it felt as if you were growing distant or i was getting too close in a fit of fear i considered breaking it off i wasn't sure if you were the one for me you asked if i was really sure and i said i really didn't know but somehow you comforted me i still don't know how and i gave it another chance perhaps out of fear of being alone again just like a year ago throughout december you were busy whilst you were fighting against the tide of deadlines scrambling to get your university project done i was fighting against loneliness again i was going to sleep when you woke up and i was waking up when you were going to sleep and you had no time for me then and then i was alone again but i held onto hope and through gritted teeth i trudged onward, waiting for you to be done it wasn't until after your exams in january when you started to find time for me again come the end of june, i finally flew out to you and finally took you into my arms i had waited a year for this moment it felt like i was finally being rewarded for all of my dedication to this and i'd never felt more comfortable in my life lying on your bed with you i felt your shape kissed you goodnight every night and cuddled up to you in the mornings i'd never enjoyed waking up before but with you, i felt happy like i'd finally found a reason you took me on the back of your motorbike and drove me around to places that you knew i would love we walked an entire day through a national park and got lost in the forest and it felt so ethereal and serene it felt just like i had been dreaming for the past 12 months, and you held my hand all day we climbed up the steepest hills and laughed as we slipped down grasping onto rotting trees as we tried to maintain balance we kept ourselves standing atop the sinking world as if we were dancing amongst the stars as the earth collapsed around us in a big hole while we had the galaxy to ourselves reading out names in danish carved into the wooden tower we had scaled lovers who were there before us after i had left, you grew distant this time it was for real we spent a month and a half struggling i kept venting my frustrations onto you deeply concerned about your distance it felt like you had lost interest i wasn't a priority to you anymore and i couldn't bear the pain it's not meant to be a strife it's not meant to be a struggle uphill so i reached my limit and had all my fears confirmed love is the means to an end 9 weeks after, i still see you in my dreams i still wish i was there with you i gave you up to find happiness but once again i am lost and still searching i gained my freedom, but was it worth it? i'm back where i was two years ago i knew it would come to this and i know we're better off like this i've revealed myself to you i'll let the wind take me love is the means to an end so i'll stop writing about you now

the ferns are entangled around my tired legs stood in the forest that sits on the edge of the world we've been gathered here for hours, our eyes locked to the skies the ever-growing warmth sucking the water our of the air my neighbour's cat is a mist around my ankles struggling to comprehend what we're all seeing the birds that peppered the skies are blown out by the blinding light neil is at a complete and utter loss for words the ocean that surrounds us begins to reach its boiling point the fishes and the sharks and the orca finally found unity fleeing even deeper into the abyss in order to survive faced with a predator that's larger than life these are the final moments of the universe soon the sun will swallow us all alive and we cannot stop it my skin is burning, i hope it won't take much longer but despite it all, i'm glad i can spend my final moment with you

i saw your icy breath shimmer through the air cutting between your teary glistening gaze one final droplet soaked into the towel to be promptly discarded with your gown along with all the other nameless souls set forever adrift in the labyrinth of the dead in your final moments i held your cold hand you could barely muster up the strength to raise your arm your palm was devoid of all spirit yet the final fragment of your presence warmly embraced my weary heart with your fragile muttering slicing through the atmosphere your faint words bored deeply into my ears blowing out the silence of the room your frail, meek voice brought your visions into light places you had been, drifting through your dreams countries that you saw, whilst you were asleep the stories of hundreds, immortalised by your fading breath in your final moments you built a whole new world a place where you can thrive with your friends and family while we're not there in person you can feel our souls collide and reunite us once again, in the land we cannot see as your time drew near i strained my ears to hear you your whispers grew quieter and quieter by the word eventually i felt your hand weigh down on mine i closed my eyes and raised my head to the sky i notice the colour of my eyelids getting darker i opened my eyes to find the fluorescent light went out i drifted through the streets around churchill square the dark of the night frequently disturbed by the pier stumbling like a wounded puppy, lost in the twilight scouring the rows of shops in search of food a chippy shined into my eyes like a beacon here i sit on the pebble beach, eating chips and gravy and tears

i lift my hand to the sky i hold my cold, dry palm up high your gentle embrace graces my skin my cracking tapestry of veins and bones i lower you down so i can see you twinkling, freezing, before my own teary eyes you were my cold star on a hot summer night but my star is no longer in your night sky i carefully pry my fingers open as these lips you once kissed form a small circle i blow you away drift free, cold star, you need not return to me deep down, i know you can't turn around deep down, i know our veins don't cross my starless, icy palm returns to my side residing where you once were before i sent you off slow pulsing, tear dreaming for that cold summer embrace

i've been awake since 6am i'm running on two and a half hours of sleep i've been on the road since 7am and i'm writing this at 1pm i'm thinking about greggs sausage rolls thinking about where i'm going in life thinking about when this road will end thinking about slowthai's yugioh cards thinking about how much i love frank ocean thinking about how i interpolate milo lyrics to fit my life though i probably couldn't tell you what his words mean thinking about how i drift from one person to the next desperately searching for a new friend to cling to thinking about why i didn't shave my face for two weeks i was scared that with a blade in reach i'd be tempted to slice my throat if i drowned, would my body float? thinking about how i should cut my hair thinking about how i can act cuter thinking about that coil girlfriend but maybe i'll go for a boy instead i burned my mouth on a greggs sausage roll again so it looks like it's all going to plan sometimes i view greggs as a temple and the sausage roll is my zen master i find solace in cheap british bakeries just like how i find peace in a black man's philosophies today i'll get my groceries from the nostrum grocers and write poems at the apex of my sleepiness this road is only going one way and i can't go back to pick up the pieces so i collect what i can to stitch together a new tapestry made out of the few remaining pieces of the old me maybe one day driver will say i have perfect hair thinking about how excited i am to read tallen's messages on discord it's nice hearing about his l5r discourse thinking about how i promised to deliver instrumentals for quetzal but i never did get started on them thinking about my friend gabe's new album and how i wish i had richard dawson's falsetto and how i wish someone would hug me but if i admitted that, that'd feel pretty needy of me i don't know when this road will end maybe i'm stuck on here forever immortalised in the asphalt like a dead bird approach me like you would your dad hanging in trafalgar square i used to smile in every selfie now it's a chore to smirk at all but it ain't all bad i might make curry on saturday or maybe i'll make chicken soup and it'll be better than hers because i'll make sure to remove the bones

i waited by myself on the corner of the fever dream street at the border i don't wait for you here anymore last week you went and walked out the door struck hard by the sadness, i cried into my ice cream this cold bowl of sweet tears, i set it down next to me i didn't think i could go on, i muttered to myself "rest in peace" the bus don't come for me, but it's nice that i've set me free i still drift on through my ice cream paradise and i ain't gonna stop but i think of you from time to time and i know i wasted 10 months sitting in your front room laughing but no matter how angry i feel, i can't say i honestly regret it i still drift on through my ice cream paradise and i ain't gonna stop but it would be nice to find someone else and maybe this time i'll find someone who actually always cares for me ... bonus points if she listens to coil too the sun's gone down and the sky is clear but still no stars sparkle in my mirror i'd like to climb back up there and see the world so clear but for now i think i'll spend some time down here next time i'm up there, i'll remember to buy myself a souvenir

hopeless and disillusioned drowned in a sea of doubt deposited faith into nothing lost again, dropped again smash the chains take the reins taste the rains kiss the sky goodbye leave again, return never

last night i danced around as long as my legs would allow in my last attempt to make the evening bow that night you said to me you had hope for me now i danced all around it somehow now i hope that you won't go and disavow when you looked at me i saw you furrow your brow you know i'm flawed as hell yet you still wonder how if i knew then i swear i'd have told you by now

the stories of vega and altair always intrigued me the clouds have always obscured my view of the endless expanse of stars every now and then when the curtains rise and my heart can see right through i lay on my back in the soggy grass and i watch the flickering lights it's ever so subtle but i can see them shifting colours from red to green and blue and all the hues in between tinting the night sky with a meticulously crafted display from dusk to dawn, when they will rest for another day the celestial bodies burning bright glisten in my teary eyes and i write countless poems and songs about how i feel i don't belong here i used to dance among the stars thinking that i was better than all the ones who came before and all who come after but it's lonely up there, oh so lonely up there yet i kept wanting to go higher i feared that no-one would find my scattered remains and give me somewhere to call home then you found me and you carried me gently until my feet both touched the ground and i learned that i didn't need to be alone and insignificant to all that surrounds me your light shines down and reveals my path but i chose to only follow it loosely cutting through the trees and the stones and the streams that lay before me the meteorite is the source of the light and the meteoroid pulled me along i finally found a place where i could feel like i belong yet still i drift gently like i'm always destined to search for something satisfaction is a fleeting feeling and one i'm not sure i've had i look back up to the starry skies and i know where i want to be the cold star, the lost star and the dead star all reach out for me darling will you let me sleep with the stars for a little while? i promise i'll be back for tea.

we waited for each other on the corner of the fever dream street at the border our bus passed by but it was out of order that's okay cause i know a way that's shorter as we dawdled along the shorter route so engrossed in each other like we're glued talking about the tv shows that we viewed and the sweetness of all the snacks that we chewed the tide goes on and on and i hope it doesn't stop and i cherish every second and i wish we could drift through this ice cream paradise forever and the tide goes on and on and on and we're swept up by the waves and we're taken someplace new and we're carried slowly through this ice cream paradise together and i feel you on my arm as we watched the skies stood in awe and secretly hoping one of us cries protecting each other from our bored sighs knowing we're in this together until our demise then we made it back to your place, loving the time we spent together, memories preserving we spent six months in the front room, laughing and collaging all our dreams together, photographing later you laid me to bed and told me what i knew and i still teared up cause it's coming from you the sweet words you utter shine with a rainbow hue and then we end another day by saying "i love you, i do" i wish we could drift through this ice cream paradise forever i hope we can drift through this ice cream paradise forever i know we will drift through this ice cream paradise forever i wish we could drift through this ice cream paradise forever

near, far, wherever you are or something something something like that one song said some swan song for the long gone their lives no longer drawn on i'm sat in a dark room, pen in hand pondering on the whereabouts of my old friends writing free form poetry about them, behind their backs but i ain't seen them in years, for all i know they're all dead the rivers have been dry for decades the mascara doesn't run for those exempt from life the heart has already ran on long ago the mind is always stuck harpooning at the past piece together the swan song the lad's best friend was dragged away years go by without a single thought of him then it sweeps me off my feet like a mental clothesline he could be living the dream in australia or hanging from a tree in his ma's backyard could've took after his abusive father wonder if he even remembers who i was lied about him being murdered to others somehow it made my sadness feel more real in retrospect that all made him sound far less real wonder how he'd react if he knew i did that he's probably making good use of his time and life enjoying his days for however long they will last but here i sit all alone, clock past midnight writing up a drawn on swan song for the long gone

Winds ripple through the marble skull Crystalline structures forming in the eye sockets A soft chime rings, droning through the air Cutting through all who come near As the grass climbs the crescent The emerald blades cross the sun Life has found the lifeless skull The giantess of old has found new beauty Her flowing locks shine in a glistening jade Owls have found a home in her cranium Her new found form has allowed her to return The emerald queen is here. Bow thy heads to o' Mother Nature.

Trawling through a glacial mist Grasping at the straws of space and time Trying to comprehend what's come and gone Trying to comprehend the storm to come My coat drags along the white powder snow My past footsteps obscured with each march onward My eyes locked to nothing in the distance My lips bloody with my teeth sunk in deep I drop to my knees I bury my face I scream out my lungs I scream out your name I know there's more to come I know I must pick up what I've dropped I know you're out there I know you're with me But I'm waiting for your love To animate my veins.

dusty winds of solemn dance around the column shatter the glass heart a love i will impart o, hear my songs of affection deft remarks of reflection o, hear my songs of rejection shivering introspection feel my cries, my darling the feelings i am guarding let them find you let me find you o, feel my words of dejection all my thoughts of complexion o, feel my words of confession my begging for protection let it find you

i lay here in your blood ice crawling over me like a mob of ants feasting on my skin burrowing into my flesh i drowned myself in your essence your vital fluids i spilled for you i welcomed its cold embrace retribution for the wrong i have done i chugged the glass of mercury i flooded my veins with gallium each season i await to be reborn into someone you will notice

here i stand by my ten year old self watching what i once called home woefully crumble to dust eight long years from a boy to a man you always gave me a place to belong a vast library of cherished memories whether good or bad they all lead back to you from high school to university you've guided me through and shaped me into who i am today you taught me to hate and you taught me to love but like a punch to the face nothing lasts forever as i found my way home and stumbled to my door i'm met with a note scribbled on the wall "take your friends take your foes for in mere months i will be no more" where can i even go from here?

as your leaves fall around me the cold embrace of you confounds me tangled in your roots, unbind me you won't let go 'til you unwind me together we will be until the end you seek take me to your dream together we will wither

do i run towards the light or do i run towards you do i keep running despite you no longer being in view or do i give up the fight and go to the back of the queue

see me thrown out see me open wide see me cry out see me lose the tide see me washed up buried within your hide see me torn up scattered and tossed aside see my blood run escape in a crimson tide see my eyes dim devoid of all my light raise me high it's time i rise to seek my end of life beyond the big black cloud of night hold me tight accept my light consume my might steal my life

as i lay dead in my frozen blood my arms broken and twisted and covered in mud i worship the roars of the icy flood my conscience hits the floor with a cold, hard thud i don't know where i can go from here i can no longer feel my fear i don't know where we can go from here i can no longer see your face so clear escape death steal your breath and slip away find your prey keep him near within your sphere you've lost me leave me be don't turn back lead your pack and begone we don't belong i faced death

oh cold star at night drifting through the dark dying star shine bright strike me with your spark cold star shimmering light have you made your mark hit me with your might it's time to embark can you see? no i cannot see can you see? please star let me sleep dead star falling down dare not make a sound remove me from my gown i want to be unbound dead star freeze me now submerge me in your frost i will break my vow cold star i am lost

Wandering stars Like a shattered glass bauble Broken like a promise Or... actually, did I break it? Did I say I'd stop forever? Those glass shards are still falling There's still time to catch them To pick them up and put them back together again To breathe new life into an idea that was once thought to be dead While it may never be the same as it was before Its new form has the potential to be even better than the last It just depends on how you actually look at it.

This is it. My ending. My epitaph. I am exhausted. I have explored every idea I wanted to explore. I have told the stories I have wanted to tell. My imagination has been stretched to its very limits. It's time to call it a day. For now. Perhaps, someday, I may return. To write a second chapter. A new beginning. Perhaps. Until then, farewell.

An iron gate slams shut in the wind A train grinds against the rails as it comes to a halt A man can be heard talking to himself down the hallway His voice echoing through these otherwise silent corridors "I'm all alone again." As I enter the room I find myself surrounded by shadows Men and women, all dressed in black Some are crying, others stand idly with a grim look on their face All facing a coffin in the middle of the room. A few people turned towards me But no one said a word In the crowded court of this grief I found myself feeling uncomfortable To save myself further embarrassment, I made my excuses and left.

Please, make it stop. Every note feels like a bullet to my skull. Every melody feels like a sword cutting through my spine. Every song feels like I'm being drawn and quartered. I try asking them to turn it down, But they only turn it up! Every sound feels like torture Ripping through my eardrums Even the click of a pen is deafening I try to cover my ears, but the sounds just don't stop hurting! Every word I say makes me crush my own head with my hands I just want to sit and wallow in absolute silence Away from all this noise I want to be rid of this pain Even writing this poem sounds someone tearing at my brain I just want to die.

We stray far from a land turned to ash We sail away from the perils of warfare Passing through guarded political borders And hiding in the blind spots of armed watchtowers We're gonna get there. There are five of us split between two boats One boat suffered damages during our escape While the men are free from their slavery, they are still forced to work Throwing buckets of water overboard, in rhythm with the waves We're gonna get there. As the sun begins to sink into the sea behind us We spot dark clouds forming ahead As thick as the smoke from the burning city we fled We will be hit by the storm, just like our hometowns We're gonna get there. In the wind we swayed back and fourth The damaged boat crumbles away. Three men drown. They died with dignity. They died as free men. We must push onward. We cannot let their sacrifice be for naught. We're gonna get there. We spend the rest of our days reassuring ourselves Ensuring we know what we did was right We spend the rest of our days searching Travelling the crossroad between life and death We're gonna get there. To the promised land.

The air raid siren sounds through the busy streets People flood out of their homes and rush to the bunkers Children and pets are trampled by the tidal wave of screams It was every man for himself at this hour of the night The hobos and the madmen of the alleyways looked at each other They knew they had no place to be safe from the oncoming terror Rivalries were dropped so they could all enjoy their final moment Together, as the city's outcasts. Together, as a family. Overhead, a squadron of heavy bombers fly over the city Like shooting stars in the night sky - except they don't bring wishes As they pass over the city, they open their hatches Atomic payloads drop out of the bombers and fall to the ground Upon impact, an entire civilisation is wiped out completely. Millions of lives. Decades of work. Lost to the wind. Thousands of happy stories, erased and replaced by one sad poem. All that remains is the shadow of the people, scorched into the ruins.

She stands in the midst of a vast meadow A wind blows gently, it doesn't phase the widow Only the rustling of the grass and flowers can be heard Not a single creature lives here, the widow is alone Before her stands a tall archway made of sunflowers Each flower spiralling around one another in unity To form two curved pillars that interlock at the top It is a portal to an alternate reality: A gate The widow has known about this structure for some time She has examined it from every possible angle But she has never entered it She does not know what lies beyond, or if she can ever return Finally, the widow decides to explore the world beyond the gate She gathers her wits and steps underneath the interlocked pillars To be greeted by a world that is not too much different from her own But as she turns around, she sees that the world is engulfed in flames

I stand tall on a pillar of bones And I look towards the sky As magnificent wings tear open my back Emerging from my spine The splendour of these white feathers That I have been gifted for my efforts I will cherish them greatly For they are my new pride and joy I spread my wings and look down These bones I stand proudly on The lives I've sacrificed for my lord I did everything I had to for this gift I have slaughtered my enemies I have slaughtered my friends I have even slaughtered my family All for the glory of my lord I have assembled this tower of bones So I can become closer to my lord So I can bask in his grace So I too can become a god To swim through the skies And be free of the horrors of down below No sacrifice was too great for this moment I have finally broken free I throw my body off of my pillar With my wings spread, I glide I soar through the skies with pride I flap my wings and begin to ascend But I notice that my wings start to feel heavy They start to grow stiff My wings are turning to stone... My wings are turning to stone! Please, my lord, why is this happening!? I did everything for you! I gave you my entire life! Please, please, please, let me fly! I don't want to fall! I don't want to fall! I don't want to fall! I don't want to... Regardless of my begging I plummet towards the ground Engulfed in a ball of flames I am an angel of stone Sent down to the ground so soft My impact will bring holy fire I am the divine intervention To bring an end to those who walk the same path I did.

Street light's red He fondles his girl She appreciates his touch Love is in the air tonight The sexual tension is unbearable They cannot wait to get home To explore each other's bodies in bed Street light's amber The car behind honks its horn He is caught off guard His girl gets up to look out of the sunroof Her denim shorts rest against his face He is distracted by her glamour Street light's green He slams his foot down on the pedal The engine revs and the vehicle jerks forward He hasn't even grabbed the wheel yet His girl loses her balance and falls into him His hands knock the wheel The car swerves into the intersection He curses and tries to gain control of the car His girl tries to regain her balance But a semi ploughs into the vehicle from the left The vehicle is tipped onto its side and scrapes against the street His girl screams and tries to get back inside Another car speeds by in panic and it hits his girl Her head is ripped off by the impact He is knocked unconscious Their foolishness caused this scene Sirens ring in the distance He regains his consciousness and climbs out of the wreck He evaluates the damages to figure out the costs But he stumbles upon a sight which will haunt him to this day The body of his girl spread out and mutilated by the crash Her blood pours out of her neck and pools in the street This night was to end in splendour Yet their actions only resulted in misery

Five hanged men drift peacefully way up high Disturbed only by the rip tide in the sky Casting an unusual light like a firefly Who are these men, and who did they defy? Why do their ropes tell me unholy lies? Even beyond the clouds do their chains rise

This place is just too perfect It's begging to be wrecked It leaves no box unchecked It makes me want to disconnect All of my sins I've confessed I almost feel oppressed For I am imperfect Trapped in this flawlessness that I detest Trying to meet these standards, it's making me stressed I know I'll succeed at a couple things at best Before I end up ripping my heart out of my chest I just want to get out of here

A woman kneels on the edge of the cliff She carries a child in her arms Her tears fall to join the black sea She holds the child's tiny palm in her hand The woman looks up as she prays But her prayers cannot reach her god A thick film of smoke obfuscates her wishes A barrier born from the destruction of her village The king's men quickly approach She knows they will not spare her For she does not believe in the same god She will be thrown into the flames with her companions The woman turns to her pursuers The men in chainmail are closing in She knows they will rape her before they kill her For they see her as a pagan savage She sees them as the same. She looks back to the black sea If she is to die, she wishes to die with dignity She clutches the child tightly And she steps backwards.

Why can I not see through to her? I raise my hand to wave But she's just a blur Has she made me her slave? Do I love her too much? Is that why I am behind this veil? I simple want to feel her touch But each time I try I only fail

All lined up Palms against the wall They're praying for a saviour But they know nobody cares Three men raise their arms Tools of war, constructed only to take lives To spray the walls with the blood of the guilty Or the blood of the innocent The order is given Sharp cracks fill the street Like a master whipping a slave Only a thousand times faster Hollow cylinders of brass clatter on the cobble floor The wine of life flows through the grooves in between the stones As the bodies fall, their essence pours into the drains To join the rest of the waste this city wants to dispose of

Smog lingers in the streets Neon lights flicker to trip hop beats Tears of the homeless pool around the people's feet The alleys are chock full of perverts and creeps These people have never even seen the sun The only ones who have are on the run Only to be killed by the gun By the ones who find no elegance in fun A chain link fence surrounds a complex Developed to promote society's prospects Through the act of turning victims into objects Enslaving them to work on the government's projects The prisoners are fed soggy biscuits And can only hear the sounds of artificial crickets Forced to work just to see something explicit The only thing left that can raise their spirits

The trees have come to a standstill The crows and the ravens watch over the field Nothing dares make a sound, out of fear of being revealed A mist rises from the bloody soil A funeral pyre stands tall Made out of the spears and shields of the fallen The remains of several families that have been destroyed Oh how the gods must be overjoyed Twelve preacher boys All stood in a ring Around the pyre Longing for dusk Once the sun had ducked behind the horizon One boy stepped forward He cast a torch into the pyre The lost can only be freed by the fire

His existance is a sin His left arm is remarkably thin His torso is built like a tank But he has a heart of glass He wishes he was dead But they refuse to pull him out Each time the heart rate monitor beeps Nobody but the mutant weeps Each beep is like a shockwave It feels like sandpaper to his brain He wants to sever himself from this machine That causes him extreme pain Trapped in the vanity of his form He is enveloped in his misery To serve as entertainment for his sadistic creators Is the reason why he was born

You're too close Move away Please I want to get out This cage you trap me in I appreciate your will to protect But your embrace only restricts me You render me vulnerable I hate it In this position I am powerless I am forced to rely on your warmth Of which you could use against me In this very moment Please let go.

Let them all down Let them all drown I brought them this far I don't need them anymore Let them all run Let them all burn From here onwards I walk alone For I am now the free man I want to be Cut the shackles that bind me to strife Cut the shackles that bind them to life They are no longer a burden to me Now they can only torment the worms The only difference between me and them Is life and death Life and death! Life! And! Death!

An overarching god Like a grid painted in the stars Omnipotent, but no longer omniscient For he has lost his eyes! Two giant balls of crystal flung through space The god grid's once all-seeing eyes Hurled into a colourful sphere floating in place A planet made of wax! The wax creatures panic The wick economy crashes Their once peaceful civilisation Was about to be torn apart! A vivid explosion A tightly woven species shatters Launched into the furthest reaches of space There is naught that can be done To prevent a god's accidental wrath!

She's too cold She tries to keep cool But it's ice cold She's frozen stiff No space to see No space to think No space to breathe No space to scream Any movement would disturb the snow Making her situation even worse She has become embodied with the mountain A goddess who can only kill herself

Cut the ties that bind you to strife Be rid of the ones that hold back your life Slice the umbilical cord with your knife Put an end to them before your halflife

Walls smeared with red The rotten smell of a cadaver He won't be the last one here There are flies on the window A liquid pools around her Looks of wine but reeks of death She won't be the last one here There are maggots on the walls He follows the flies He knows they're full of lies It's a question of trust But in a state of panic, trust is all he has She weeps as she slips But this final stretch can't be her last It's a question of trust She trusts fate to save her past He thinks he is getting close She knows she is going nowhere He thinks it's a question of time She knows the maggots draw closer He can see the flies growing in numbers She can feel the maggots crawling on her skin He is stripped of his sight The flies love the smell of the guilt on his face He screams She cannot hear him He fights the demons that feast on him He rips off his skin to free himself from the guilt But that only attracts even more demons She is stripped down to the bone The maggots have found their home She screams He cannot hear her She realises that fate betrayed her trust He realises that the flies betrayed his trust Their trust only drew them closer to their demise

The sun is ablaze Scorching the fine grains He trudges through the sand Counting his steps until his last His skin is peeling Flaking away to join the burning powder The trail he leaves is drenched with blood and sweat Remnants of a bygone civilisation remind him that he will not make it The wind picks up He finds himself in a cloud of unknowing His eyes are blasted by the remains of his ancestors His feet are crumbling but he does not realise it until he has fallen His heart pounds The ruins around him collapse The one he hopes to find is long gone He is blinded by the guilt that this land punishes him with He is suffering The dust is clogging the wounds created by his lust He keeps crawling but exhaustion is getting the better of him He wants to cry but he is too dehydrated to let the tears go to waste He is fading This torture brought upon him is making him forget He does not know why he brought himself to this land lost in time But none of that matters now, for he will join the ones who came before him Waiting for the next to make the same fatal mistake To find the ones who are lost Only to join them in the sand Another grain to punish the next

I stepped out of the doctor's office My vision is fuzzy I cannot see straight He told me it was terminal I don't have long I need to move I can't move I must move How do I move? Nothing is moving but I must move I want to go home. I want to go home. Let me go home. I want to go home. I am running I think I am running I want to live I am running I can't run fast enough I need to run faster How was she alive? She shouldn't be alive. I am running Not much further I cannot stop Not much further I mustn't stop Who am I? I will not stop I can see it Home. Home. Home. Home. I'm home. I'm home. There's someone outside. Who is he? What is he doing? His arms are out stretched. His arms are out stretched. His arms are out stretched. Is he signalling me? Should I go? I don't think I should go. I must go. I... But the man is no longer there. I look around, but I cannot find him. All that remains is four holes in the ground. Only one hole is empty. Friends fill the others. I am home.

Grey skies loom Street lights bloom The roads are dead A car's on fire But the flames don't move Is it all in my head? Houses with broken windows Boarded up shops A town once in motion But has since stopped Shards of glass still cover the sky Am I alone? I turn the corner A grey room on a hill Surrounded by concrete walls Protected from the dead A small pillar of life Will it always remain? Here are my friends But also some foes They stand on this hill Within these walls Loitering around Looking at the ground Even in this dead world I am not at peace I enter the grey room This is my home A cold, yet comfy place Tarnished by their disgrace Everything is mine Until the end of time I rest here hoping things will be fine A bag hangs from the wall Inside, a rifle The beautiful walnut stock A glimpse into the once colourful past The world that once was full of treasures like this Where this splash of colour was taken for granted Those times are gone I hear someone come in She calls my name I turn around A spectre? She shouldn't be here She places her hands on my cheeks I thought she was dead

it is important not to set the bar too high to reach a peak so soon it burdens the mind the mind is like a field continuous rich harvests burden the land a poor harvest is required to allow the land to recover if one continues to raise the bar each time only disappointment will ensue to find yourself in a position where you can't satisfy even yourself it truly is distressing but stagnation is important for prolonging one's creativity so you can slowly improve and eventually bring yourself closer to that bar you raised so high until you are ready to raise it once more

In a land of walls Towering so high Cold to the touch Covered in snow A world so bright Yet oh so cold But it is not endless For beyond these walls New lands lie patiently Waiting to be found All it takes Is for one to discover them Between these lands Stand bridges of ice Glistening paths of light Reaching over the abyss To bring new territories to life Who made these bridges? One could not tell Yet their purpose is certain To carry us further To take us to new wonders To reach beyond our scope And expand our knowledge of the world

I will guide him up a rope to the sky I wish for him to see the world how I see it I wish for him to feel the stars how I feel them I wish for him to hear the wind how I hear it I will guide him up a rope to the sky For us to tower above the ego of man Together For us to look down on the petty war Together For us to cherish the thought of living Together For us to find the happiness we all seek Together But should he fall Should he slip Should I fail to grasp his hand It's a long way down He will fall the greatest depths Fall further than we have climbed Fall beyond the conflict we strove to escape Together, we will be no more I will be in the sky He will be down below Hanging by a long, twisted thread As he snaps out of it A flower trampled into the mud

Mountain of flames Higher and higher Smoke climbs higher Orchards of fire Seconds, minutes, hours Days, weeks, months Years of history Stories in the wood Take to the sky Higher and higher As the smoke climbs higher In the orchards of fire But the history is not lost No, it is only misplaced Stolen by the atmosphere Spread across the skies Fragments of a past life To shield us from the stars

Tumbling through the liquid space Their teeth surround me Red mist engulfs my face I think they have found me Lost in a cloud of doubt The cage they want to escape My core pulsates Every pulse bursting red I am a beacon The rose scatters They approach me Existence flutters They encage me Tumbling through the red liquid space These walls that surround me They are made of flesh Dentine blades rend me My life ruptures To what purpose these jaws serve Other than to put out another beacon?

ideas spiral around my head so many things i want to do so many things i want to create but i can only create more ideas everything is unfinished even this poem isn't done everything remains an idea a graveyard no one visits everybody enters but no one leaves perhaps through poetry i will clear my head of all my ideas before i'm